Evaluating 6 Hilarious Celebrity Conspiracy Theories

We live in a world that loves conspiracies, not that a world has ever existed without conspiracies. But in an increasingly information-based society, conspiracy theories provide people with a supposed access to inside and privileged information. Most times these theories are limited to governments and secret societies but sometimes they drift into the world of pop culture where they transcend basic gossip and become much more hilariously involved. While political conspiracy theories tend to focus on shadowy organizations and complex plots, those surrounding celebrities are more visceral and interest-driven. They show that a conspiratorial world view is not necessarily political but just has to focus on a world hidden from view.

Jay-Z and Beyonce part of the Illuminati

Getting accused of being a Freemason is quite common with people in power because many still hold the absurd assumption that Freemasons still run things. However, not many are hit as hard with it as Jay-Z. People constantly accuse him and Beyonce of being part of an elite occultist network, most recently pointing to Beyonce’s use of the pyramid in her Superbowl halftime show. The always-trustworthy news aggregator The Examiner even uncovered a half-time show insider who said it was Beyonce’s Illuminati coming-out party. Meanwhile, Jay-Z has constantly had to fight off notions he’s a Freemason and worships the Devil and has even responded to the accusations in the Rick Ross song “Free Mason.”

Sabotagetimes.com

The evidence for:

According to the always-trustworthy internet, there is tons of evidence. First, both are super rich and famous in an industry where many try and fail. They also use occult and pagan symbols in their performances and are the perfect duo to brainwash the masses into compliance with the wishes of the ruling elite.

The evidence against:

Overwhelming. The Illuminati is used as some catch-all term for high-society secrecy, rather than referring to the actual Bavarian Illuminati, which was a short-lived group with specific local political goals. Similarly, while Freemasons still do exist, they are nearly politically impotent, holding about the same amount of influence as frats (which is basically what they are). Jay-Z might even be one, even though it’s less likely given that the organization underwent a drastic change in the 19th century under the leadership of  Albert Pike and became much less about Enlightenment values and much more about racism and the KKK.

If Jay-Z is a Freemason then chances are that his chapter is benefiting a lot more by having him as a member than he is from being a member. It should also be noted that Freemasonry has nothing to do with Devil-worhip, which was a rumor spread by Christians uncomfortable with the organization’s commitment to Deism.

The verdict:

Are Jay-Z and Beyonce part of a political elite? Sure, but that’s about as far as it goes. Hell, they may even like using Pagan symbolism, but you know who else does? Everyone. Four year-olds draw pyramids but they call them triangles and rarely get accused of being Illuminati. Even Christians gather around a Christmas tree, essentially an act of pagan nature-worship leftover from a pre-Christian Europe.

People often have a hard time understanding why some people are successful and others aren’t, especially when that success equates to fame. Rather than chalk it up to hard work or even luck, they propose that it must be for a reason and whereas some see that as divine favor, others see it as a nefarious plan by the earthly elite. If a secret elite controls everything then they also decide who’s famous so the Jay-Z and Beyonce theory often appears side-by-side with those about Lady Gaga, Rihanna, and other pop stars.

Howard Stern wears a wig

Howard Stern, despite becoming famous from the radio, has an iconic image centered around sunglasses and long curly black hair. To his fans, his image is a central topic, often at the urging of Stern himself, who constantly complains about his looks. For any normal fans the discussion wouldn’t evolve much past a timid denial or acceptance of Stern’s self-critique, yet being a show built on roast-like mockery of staff, guests, and celebrities, it has seen its fans mimic the show culture to the extreme.

In a famous scene from Stern’s auto-biographical film Private Parts, a radio exec reveals that his audience is comprised by people who either love him or hate him. Over the years people who hate Howard (also his fans) have postulated in all seriousness that he actually wears a wig, thus taking away one of his only prized physical attributes – his rock star hair.

From Doctor Ivan on Photobucket

The evidence for:

The best I can tell is that this theory was created by Chaunce Hayden, a small-time gossip columnist who used to be a regular on Howard’s show. He purports that a wig company claims him as a valued client and has created hair systems for him for years. Other evidence they point to is that his father is bald and that he has a history of lying about plastic surgery.

The evidence against:

The best evidence against the theory comes from the source, Mr. Hayden. As a gossip columnist and guest on the Stern show, he repeatedly claimed he had information or an inside scoop yet failed to produce evidence when asked. Just the fact that he makes his living as a sub-par gossip columnist adds doubt to his story. The theory also didn’t emerge until after Chaunce was banned from the show, presumably for going on Neal Cavuto’s show as a “Howard Stern Expert,” and once again claiming inside knowledge.

The verdict:

It really makes no sense that he’d wear a wig rather than just cop to being bald. A celebrity keeping a secret like that seems damn near impossible and not worth the risk for something so seemingly inconsequential. Even show fans have started turning against the wig theory as promised evidence has failed to materialize. If, in the future, it’s revealed that he actually is Wigward, then Chaunce’s theory will parallel the boy who cried wolf.

Alex Jones is Bill Hicks

It might be no surprise that people in the conspiracy community have conspiracies about others in the community. Alex Jones, as one of the most prominent pop conspiracy figures, is often the hardest hit. He frequently gets accused of working for the government as an attempt to discredit or mislead people away from the real truth.

Even more bizarrely, Alex Jones is accused of being Bill Hicks, an often-conspiracy-focused comic who died in 1994. People claim that Hicks faked his own death to become Jones and start a radio career. They cite the fact that they both look sort of similar and both had a similar circle of friends in Texas.

The evidence for:

There’s actually more than you’d expect for something so seemingly stupid. First, both men are/were from Texas around the same area and have friends in common, most notably director and activist Kevin Booth. Their politics cover many similar topics such as criticism of the Waco Siege and government overreach in general. Hicks also died in 1994, a couple years before Jones got his start in radio, so neither of them existed in the public eye during the same time. People also cite similar physical characteristics and invoke plastic surgery to account for any discrepancies.

There are also at least some reasons to believe Jones might be a government agent. The FBI has a history of keeping contact with high-profile fringe leaders and turning them informant, like Hal Turner. Turner was a White Nationalism leader and radio host for years until hackers exposed his contact with the FBI in 2008. Similarly, the Occult hero Aleister Crowley had contacts in British intelligence, including a young Ian Flemming.

The evidence against:

Despite the evidence for, it still remains a stupid theory. Bill Hicks and Alex Jones only vaguely resemble each other and sound completely different. Their politics, despite sharing some similarities are also widely divergent (Jones considers himself a paleo-conservative while Hicks described his act as Chomsky with dick jokes) and Jones, unless in a tirade/meltdown, is rarely funny. The evidence against Jones being a government agent rests more on the fact that there’s really none for it and the theory is easily explained as some haters starting a smear against him (because in the conspiritard world, there’s no bigger smear than being part of a conspiracy).

The verdict:

While Jones could very well be an informant for some government agency like the FBI, it’s unlikely that he’s a government plant. Crowley worked with British intelligence, but that didn’t mean he was created by the government – he was just an eccentric dealing with options as they came his way. If Jones has inside info on possible attacks being planned by a militant group he may very well cooperate with the FBI, not as a way of selling them out, but to maintain the integrity of his own movement and not allow some wackos to tarnish it.

Moreover, Jones is first and foremost an entertainer, which probably also explains why he hates Glenn Beck. Beck is often accused of ripping off his act and riding it to a successful career while Jones remains relatively unknown. So, if against all odds, Jones really is Bill Hicks, then it only makes sense if Glenn Beck is really Denis Leary.

Ann Coulter is really a liberal and dated Bill Maher

Ann Coulter, in case you’re lucky enough not to know, is a far-right pundit known for saying outlandish things on cable news. She published a ton of books, all of which argue that liberals are destroying America and leading us straight into Hell. Her insanely aggressive and unapologetic behavior has led some to speculate that she’s really just playing a character and it’s all an act. Some have even gone so far as to say that she’s actually a liberal and has taken on the persona in order to destroy the conservative movement. And that’s not a theory just supported by liberals as a way of discrediting her.

This theory was also made popular by animated show, The Boondocks, which showed Coulter as an actor really in cahoots with prominent liberal pundits. Liberal comedian Bill Maher also helped fan the flames by jokingly saying that they used to date.

The evidence for:

There’s no question that Coulter has, in many ways, harmed the conservative movement with her over-the-top rhetoric while simultaneously making tons of money off appearances and books. And while she hasn’t dated Bill Maher, she has dated other liberals. Then, there’s also this.

That’s Coulter at a Grateful Dead concert, because she is in fact, a huge jamband fanatic. In an interview with Jambands.com, she describes  being an avid Deadhead and just really enjoying the music and atmosphere.

Other people have also done similar things. Andy Kaufman was famous for doing shtick and living his life as a character. Gilbert Gottfried also only uses his recognizable voice when he’s in public and actually sounds much more normal.

The evidence against:

Well that seems like a lot of evidence for, but there’s also tons against. For one, we know that Gilbert’s voice is an act, meaning that somewhere along the line the real person emerges and there’s not much with Coulter to suggest that there’s another person there. Slate’s Amanda Marcotte also recently wrote a piece dismissing Coulter as a satirist and argues that if she is, then only she is in on the joke. Kaufman, while doing character shtick, was still recognized as an entertainer and therefore wasn’t really living a double life. Coulter has dedicated her life to a political ideology even when she wasn’t making hyperbolic statements.

The verdict:

Politics likes to divide everything into black and white issues so it does seem odd that Coulter would be a Deadhead and have liberal friends, but it should more speak to the fact that people are multidimensional. Coulter might believe every word she says yet still recognize her own entertainment value and modify her behavior to make her career. But let’s say that she’s completely cynical and is doing it as an act for whatever reason, does it really matter then? If everything’s an act then at what point does the real person actually exist? She might be trying to destroy conservatives but liberals aren’t in on it and conservatives adore her and buy her books. She might be hurting the movement, but in some ways she’s also helping it.

Neil Armstrong converted to Islam on the moon

While not that popular in the US, the theory that Neil Armstrong became a Muslim during the moon landing is quite popular in the Islamic world. The story goes that the Apollo 11 astronauts heard the Muslim call to prayer and immediately converted.  The Indonesian singer Suhaemi popularized the theory in a song called, “The Resonant Sound of the Call to Prayer on the Moon,” which describes the conversion. While touring abroad, Armstrong has had to repeatedly deny the claim.

The evidence for:

After the moon landing, Armstrong moved to Lebanon…

The evidence against:

Lebanon, Ohio.

The verdict:

Armstrong has denied it and the only other source is an Indonesian singer from the 1980’s. Armstrong did not convert (or revert) to Islam on the moon.

Keanu Reeves and Nicholas Cage are immortal

Yea, you read that right, everyone else so far has some theory that could, according to known laws of biology, be true. We just crossed that line. There are a number (I dare not guess how many) of people who hold that certain celebrities are immortal or capable of time-travel. Reeves is often compared with Charlemagne and a 19th century French actor, Paul Mounet. Nicholas Cage gets compared to a Civil War-era guy. If that’s not enough, there is a smaller number of people who specifically believe they are vampires that just take on new identities every century or so. But before we start outright judging these guano-sniffers, let’s take a look at the evidence.

The evidence for:

Photographs really comprise the only evidence, but the similarities are striking.

The evidence against:

We’re pretty sure vampires don’t exist. Time travel is technically possible and therefore can’t be outright discounted, but that goes against the non-aging aspect – Keanu couldn’t have lived Charlemagne’s life and his own if not immortal. However, despite the claims, both actors have visibly aged, maybe less so than someone on meth, but still enough to notice. So they can’t really be immortal, at best just slow-aging.

The verdict:

Keanu Reeves and Nicholas Cage are not vampires but regular mortals. You can look back at old photographs and see tons of people from the present because nearly all the genes around today were around in the past. People just didn’t look that different. More importantly, I’m not sure how many people take these theories all that seriously. It could be more of a case where they’re supposed to be entertaining in themselves. Undoubtedly some people do though, which makes it hilarious.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s